awake my soul.

i have been re-awakened.

growing up, i got so used to going to church every sunday. sitting through the sermon that i never really understood anyways, going to sunday school to play with my friends, etc.

i understood that Jesus loves me and that He died for my sins. I knew that I had to believe in Him in order to go to Heaven, but it never really sunk in.

now, i'm not saying i was never a Christian. i'm just trying to say that i was never into it. and this was definitely not my parents fault. [maybe it had a little something to do with my dad forcing my sisters and i to go up to the children's message until we were THIRTEEN years old. waaaay to old to still be going up front for the children's message. i still resent that, obviously.] but what i mean is, i was a kid. i listened to what my parents told me and didn't really apply it to my life.

the only place i actually enjoyed church was in haiti. everything there is so heartfelt, so pure, and so full of praise and worship. i am also not saying that our church doesn't have that. it does, it was just done in haiti in a way that reached out to me.

in haiti, the worship is breathtaking. you can feel it in your bones. the Spirit just fills the entire church. you can't help, but to be moved. and it is impossible to ignore it or to sit still. even with the language barrier, you can feel what they are singing. and when they sing "Jezi", it's indescribable. the people there use all they have to worship our Lord. and it is absolutely beautiful to see and to hear.

haiti was the only place i felt something real. like Jesus was standing right next to me, loving every moment of our praises.

i absolutely love the worship i experience when i am in haiti, but it always bothered me that that is the only place i could feel like that. i always wondered if i was doing something wrong at home. maybe i was just letting myself get distracted. maybe i just needed to try harder to feel like i do in haiti.

so like whenever i have something bothering me, i took it to God in prayer. and man, oh man, when you pray, He really listens!!

last Sunday, i prayed on my way to church that God would open my heart to the worship i was going to experience. i prayed that he would give me the desire to be there and to crave His Word. i just prayed that i would get something out of the message and the worship.

last sunday ended up being the most spiritual experience i've ever had at good shepherd lutheran church. from the moment i walked in i was so filled with the Holy Spirit, it was impossible for me to ignore. i couldn't get enough of the scripture pastor t was reading, i didn't want to stop singing and it seemed like every word was written just for me to sing. the sermon was phenomenal in every way.

there were a few times that i had to close my eyes to keep myself from crying. i mean, it was powerful. and it was beautiful. and i was so amazed at the answer God gave me to my prayers.

for the past few sundays, i had been crying in church because i was missing the worship in haiti and missing watching the kids worship at church in les cayes. and then there i was practically in tears because i was so overwhelmed with God's love, His mercy, His awesomeness. it was incredible.

i left the service craving more. i needed more of God's Word. i needed to worship. all i wanted to do was talk about how amazing our God is!!

on wednesday, i went to st. paul's for pizza and praise. i was thrilled to go to a place where the sole purpose is to sing praises to our God! that was all i had been wanting to do since i'd left church on sunday.

this whole time, i was so excited to be feeling this want, but i was still so surprised at how quickly and how passionately i was feeling it! i asked God, and i received!

pizza and praise was beyond amazing. praise team was awesome, like they always are. and i got to sit in a pew filled with children the entire time. we danced really silly, we sang together, we goofed around, they sat on my lap; all things that i would have done with the kids at the orpha

nage if i had been there instead.

there was a moment when i just closed my eyes and sat still. i felt a kid on my lap and two squished really close next to me. one holding my hand, the other grabbing my arm. and i heard them laughing, singing, talking. and i imagined, just for a minute, that i was still in haiti. with my kids. and it was perfect.

but i think God was trying to show me something: i was so sad to come home and leave my kids behind. and i think i've been living too much in that sadness. i think God is trying to show me that there are kids here too. and just because i can't be with the kids i love dearly in haiti right now, i can still show all my love to the kids here. they need to see God's love through me as well. and i see that clearly now. i am so glad God shoved this in my face! i can still miss my kids and wish i was there, but i shouldn't just sit around and mope! i should be doing the same thing i would be doing with the kids in haiti! showing God's love to them every possible chance i get!

i know this blog post was kind of all over. i started with the intent of it just being about one subject and then sort of figured some things out about myself as i was writing and it morphed into something else. but all in all, GOD IS SO GOOD.

also, i know this blog may come off the wrong way to some people. please don't form a bad opinion about me and my faith if you don't understand, please ask me to explain in more detail. i would love to explain myself more and help you understand how i've strengthened my relationship with our God!